Thatapos;s why I called it forgiveness, because I think a lot of what forgiveness is IS about moving forwards, forgetting or letting go of wrongs done in the past. Iapos;m not saying that if you forgive me or are able to move forwards, weapos;ll get along fine, or that we even should continue to date, but Iapos;m just bringing that up because I think that a lot of this has to do with us simply not being able to accept/forgive each other.
I will say that almost every time Iapos;ve acted inappropriately or did something that hurt you, I knew exactly what I was doing. I did those things because I knew you were irritated or dissatisfied with me to begin with, and I wanted to see that, to get you to stop covering it up. Itapos;s my fault; I should have been more direct and not passive-aggressive (itapos;s another problem about me that will follow me into any relationship or friendship I ever have, not just with you). I always regretted doing it afterwards when I realized how much it hurt you - when I cried yesterday, itapos;s not because you hurt me, but itapos;s because I (again) understood fully how much my behavior hurts you or irritates you, that everything I do will seem wrong to you. Realizing that was terrible, realizing how much my behavior hurts you was terrible.
When I say, "Iapos;m sorry, Iapos;m not myself," thatapos;s partly a lie, because obviously it was me doing those things consistently, but it is partly the truth, because I truly donapos;t know where this evil demon comes from inside that makes me hurt you, only you. I know whatapos;s right and wrong, I donapos;t know why this all escapes me when it comes to you, or why I truly am like a preschool kid who doesnapos;t realize that the person Iapos;m hitting so I can play with a toy is another human being with a mind of his own. Almost every time Iapos;ve been horrible, I knew what I was doing, but there are times, and I think many times now, that Iapos;m not aware of it at all. Partly because you donapos;t say anything, partly because my past actions have just scarred my image too much. It scares me to think that no matter what I do, no matter how I try to be good, the little things you hate about me canapos;t change how you see me.
Itapos;s only now that I am truly beginning to see how much Iapos;ve hurt you (because youapos;ve told me so), and I regret so, so, so much that I hurt you, that all these past hurts just piled up and I didnapos;t even realize the extent to which I was just piling them on. I believed you when you used to say that I was wonderful and perfect and such a blessing for you. I wanted to be the best thing that happened to you and to just love you and show you that someone could love you and not hurt you, and what did I do? I ruined it. I allowed it to happen. I hurt you anyways.
And I canapos;t stop myself.
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